Vampire IM
by Edwardmarryme
Summary: What will happen when The cullens get mixed up in IM? All in IM format. M for bad language and themes. CHAPTER 3 has Mini cyberlemon.
1. Emmett the sneak

Ok, so I have decided to make a new series of IM-ing by the Cullens and gang. It is going to be sort of like a comedy. It will also be similar to the TTYL books.

February 10th, 2008

Acullen: Yola, B. Sup? I just got home from the mall. Let me tell you.

D-R-E-A-D-F-U-L.

Bswan: Yikes, what happened? Did Rose make you go into the CD store with all the ugly guys?

Acullen: Yup. She said it was fun flirting with hideous geeks. Oh, please. She should tell that to her husband.

Emcullen: Tell me what?!

Acullen: Emmett? WHAT r u doing here?

Emcullen: Uh, nothing. BYE!

Bswan: OMG, what was Emmett doing?

Acullen: he likes to spy on us. Like the time you were telling me about your PMS, and you were so irritable that you beat up Ed.

Bswan: Huh? OMG, u knew?! How could you?

Acullen: Idk… That reminds me that I need to go out and buy some tampons.

Bswan: But you don't have any blood, remember?

Acullen: I know, I don't use them like that, dummy. Jazz gets all horny when I shove them up his ass. It's hilarious.

Bswan: Interesting. I should try that to Edward. Teehee.

Acullen: So, what do you wanna do tomorrow?

Bswan: We could play IM truth or dare all day, and go to the mall afterwards.

Acullen: sounds like a plan.

Bswan: Ug, Charlie is calling me to make dinner. C ya!

Acullen: Chao, babe!

…Bswan has left the room…

…Rhale has entered the room…

Rhale: Hey, sis. What's B up to?

Acullen: Making dinner 4 the chief.

Rhale: cool… so, I got that one guy's number! You know, the one with red hair, tons of acne, and glasses.

Acullen: ugg…

Rhale: I'm going to pretend to fall in love with him, and then, one night at a restaurant, you will come up to us and make out with me! He'll freak out that he was dating a lesbo.

Acullen: What will ur hubbie think of that?

Rhale: #1 or #2?

Acullen: both.

Rhale: He actually helped me think of the idea. He's a genius at it since he's been doing that with Jazz at the mall and stuff.

Acullen: God, our husbands are creeps…

Rhale: Yeah! But I love them. Well, I don't exactly love Jazz, but he's my bro.

Acullen: Guess what?

Rhale: What?

Acullen: Bella made out with Emmett last night.

Rhale: That little… beotch! I'm gunna kill her!

Acullen: JK

Rhale: I HATE you.

…Rhale has left the room…


	2. Revenge on Alice!

**Thanks for all the great reviews**

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I didn't honestly think I could be that funny to people! Well, here goes another chapter!**

**Later that afternoon…**

Ecullen: Hello, baby.

Bswan: Oh, hey bitch. Sup?

Ecullen: Huh?!

Bswan: You are sooo hot! Take off your clothes now, and pick me up!

Ecullen: What is wrong with you today?

Bswan: Ug. Sorry Ed, I found Rosalie on my computer _talking _to you. At least I liked the way you reacted. You weren't all perverted behind my back.

Ecullen: Oh, that's good. It is probably because Alice told Rose that you made out with Emmett.

Bswan: She what? I'm going to get that girl.

Ecullen: B my guest…

Bswan: Do you know her password?

Ecullen: Yep, its jasperbaby22. Figures.

Bswan: Thanks; you're a lifesaver. Do you wanna do something tonight?

Ecullen: You mean like…

Bswan: No, silly. Not _that. _I was thinking we could go out to dinner.

Ecullen: _Dinner. _Such a strange word in my world. Sure.

Bswan: Great! I'll call u later. If you excuse me, I have some revenge to give to that Alice person.

Ecullen: Love you.

…Ecullen has left the room…

…Acullen has entered the room…

Acullen: I'm in, baby!

Rhale: In what? Some clothes?

Acullen: No, I'm naked and I'm with Emmett.

Rhale: I don't believe u.

Acullen: Ok, you got me. I'm wearing clothes, but still with Emmett.

Rhale: What is he doing?

Acullen: _licking _me.

Rhale: Licking you where?

Acullen: That's between me and Emmett, honey.

Rhale: Who cares?

Acullen: I have to confess. You know the outfit you let me borrow last week?

Rhale: Yeah, you told me that someone stole them when you were in the dressing room at Express.

Acullen: Well, I've only told Bella this, but a hobo pissed on them, and then ate the shirt.

Rhale: r u serious?? I almost FORGAVE you! And that hobo had a 600 meal, then!

Acullen: Wow! You paid 600 bucks for a shirt? I make that much in a month at the Newton's store!

Rhale: Huh? What did you say? Working at the Newton's?

Acullen: Um.. uh… _Bella _wanted some help at the uh, Newton's store, so I work there now? Yeah, and I only make 600 bucks a month.

Rhale: Whatev. I sooo don't believe you, but I'm getting my shiatsu in an hour, and I don't want to be overly stressed.

Acullen: I wouldn't do that. I saw a vision that your message therapist took of his clothes, and Emmett caught you guys in the _act. _

Rhale: Oh my lord! Now I'm really stressed. I better cancel.

Acullen: So, what r u wearing right now?

Rhale: oh, just my green tank top, you know, the one with the lace, my jean mini skirt, and my turquoise stilettos.

Acullen: That must look hideous!

Rhale: Does not! What r u wearing?

Acullen: A towel and your metallic porn heels.

Rhale: And _my_ Emmett is there?

Acullen: And drooling over me. I bet his package is as hard as a rock.

Rhale: DON'T say that!

Acullen: He is now telling me to dance.

Rhale: I'm coming over right this instant!

…Rhale has left the room…

…Acullen has left the room…

…Bswan has entered the room…

…Ecullen has entered the room…

Ecullen: So how did it go?

Bswan: perfectly! Except for I accidentally talked about working at Newton's store, and said that Alice was helping me out working there. Rose bought it.

Ecullen: Wow, good job.

Bswan: And the best part happens to be that Rose is coming to your house, and expecting that either a) Alice is wearing a towel and Rose's _special occasion_ shoes with Emmett drooling over her, or b) Wearing nothing but the heels, and Emmett making love with her.

Ecullen: Nice. Too bad she wasn't smart enough to remember that Emmett is out hunting.

Bswan: Too bad…

Ecullen: Night bear blood!

Bswan: Love you, Bella blood!

Ecullen: Aw, you think I'm sweet and irresistible? You're too kind!

**A/N: Hoped you liked chappy 2. BTW, at the end, bear blood and Bella blood are supposed to be pet names like 'cupcake' or 'sweetheart.'**


	3. Chicks

**A/N: Yay! Chapter 3. I am pretty excited.**

Rhale: EMMETT I HATE YOU!

Emcullen: Huh? Why?

Rhale: Because YOU told ALICE to IM me saying that you guys were having sex! How could you??

Emcullen: IDK what u r talking about, babe. I've been hunting all weekend. And if I'm correct, Alice is in Paris today for the sale at her favorite store. Chicks.

Rhale: Then who talked to me?

Emcullen: I don't really care, rose. Give it up.

Rhale: Sure, sure. So, where are you?

Emcullen: At this coffee shop in Canada, although I don't remember going to Canada. Odd. You?

Rhale: same, except I'm in Forks.

Emcullen: My god, there's a woman who is checking me out! She asked me if I wanted to see a movie with her. Should I go?

Rhale: God, Emmett, do I have to reject everyone for you? Ur such a pushover. Get her to the computer so we can have a chat.

Emcullen: Uh, hi. Emmett told me that you wanted to talk to me, whoever you are? I'm Nelly.

Rhale: Hey, hon. I'm Rosalie, Emmett's bitch'n hot fiancé. I heard you wanted to go to the movies with him.

Emcullen: Uh, sure. He's hot, and my type. Do you think he likes me?

Rhale: OMFG, retard! Did you hear an F'n word I said? You're such a slut. Go 2 hell, baby. PS: I know karate, kung fu, and I am a mechanic. And guess what?

Emcullen: What?

Rhale: I am still freaking HOT! I'll send u a pic, if u send me one of u.

Emcullen: God, you are hot, I'll back off.

Rhale: Thnx, Ur not so bad, Nudey.

Emcullen: Its NELLY.

Rhale: Whatevs, just put my Emmett back on.

Emcullen: So, what did you think of Nelly?

Rhale: Slut, slut, fucking slut.

Emcullen: Geez.

Rhale: Edward!

Emcullen: Yeah, Edward!?

Rhale: Yes, Edward. You know how he can read minds?

Emcullen: He can? So that's why I can never pull a prank on him!

Rhale: Whatever, he knows everyone's password, cuz he hears it when they are typing it.

Emcullen: Where are you going with this?

Rhale: God Emmett, you are ridiculous. He hacked into Alice's account and talked to me. I'm gunna kill him!

Emcullen: You know I am ridiculous, and our main love is _mating._

Rhale: Yep.

Emcullen: I _said _our main love is MATING.

Rhale: Oh, u wanna have sex, don't cha?

Emcullen: YES! Please?

Rhale: I'd love you to get inside me, but you are in CANADA.

Emcullen: Then lets do virtual sex.

Rhale: Rips off Emmett's shirt viciously.

Emcullen: Takes Roses cute top off, revealing her gorgeous red satin lingerie.

Rhale: Since when have you gotten so descriptive? Pulls down Emmett's pants, and sticks hands in boxers. Cupping and stroking the shaft, and package.

Emcullen: Ohhh, yeah. Moans loudly, and takes off the lingerie top, and massages each…. tenderly.

Rhale: God, Emmett. You have to ruin the moment, I know you don't like to say it, but just do. This isn't a fill in the blanks game.

Emcullen: I don't wanna.

Rhale: Then no more cyber-sex. Just say it, anyway you'd like. Breast, boob, girls.

Emcullen: Fine, I will massage the _girls _tenderly.

Rhale: Rips off every last bit of clothing on either person. Emmett, you are sooo hot!

Emcullen: Enters Rose's _hole_ and pumps back and fourth until she screams.

Rhale: Oh my god!

Emcullen: I know, isn't it great, you love me.

Rhale: It's not that! Esme just walked in the shop! I'm dead with this convo of ours!

Emcullen: Well, you better go explain yourself missy.

…Rhale has left the room…

Emcullen: Bye, honey, thanks for the 'bye' that you _didn't _give me. Chicks.


	4. Catching parents in the act

**A/N: Hey, thanks for the reviews. Sorry that I haven't had any Jasper in the story, but I'll think of something good for him.**

Acullen: Edward? Why are you on? You only IM Bella nowadays.

Ecullen: Serious? No, I talk to everyone.

Acullen: Whatevs. So where are you?

Ecullen: In New York with Bells.

Acullen: Since when? She NEVER told me!!

Ecullen: She must hate you then. _Rolls Eyes_

Acullen: I'm stuck here with whiney little Rosalie. Guess what she did this time?

Ecullen: Um, did she… strip at a bar? Wear a 2-inch skirt to school?

Acullen: No, even better. She was IM-ing Emmett (Who is mysteriously in Canada) from a coffee shop, and they started to have cyber-sex. I guess it's against the laws. And get this- Esme walked in the shop and read all of the convo!

Ecullen: ROTFL! Oh, and the Emmett in Canada thing is because I gave him some anesthesia and put him on a bus to Canada as a joke.

Acullen: Josh, I didn't know you knew ROTFL… Wow, I didn't think you had that kind of joke in you!

Ecullen: Yeah.

Acullen: So anyways, I'm stuck with Rosalie. She has had many lectures by Carlisle and Esme and has been crying so much that she keeps putting mascara on to look like she has been crying for hours, since it runs down the face in all. I stick with waterproof even though I'm not the waterworks kind of person.

Ecullen: Gosh, I thought it was exciting here! Me and Bella, well, we, kinda… never mind.

Acullen: Spit it out! You haven't said a word on here.

Ecullen: Okay, so we were sort of getting into it, and before we knew it, we weren't wearing any clothes

Acullen: OMFG!

Ecullen: Then, some hobo ran into our hotel room and took our clothes. We both grabbed the hotel bath robes, and got our hair wet as if we took a shower, and went down to the lobby. We asked if they had seen our clothes, and they said some guy burned them in the parking lot.

Acullen: What did u do?

Ecullen: We walked down NYC in bathrobes and bought some clothes!

Acullen: WOW! That's crazy for you guys to do that!

Ecullen: Yep. Bella is still hiding under the covers on our bed. She is so cute when she gets embarrassed!

Acullen: Rosalie is asking how many times you guys have had sex there.

Ecullen: Not enough… did you know that humans can get sore 'down there' after having too much intercourse?

Acullen: TMI!! Ew, I so didn't need to know that! That is something _Bella _should tell me. Not Bella's boyfriend.

Ecullen: Sheesh!

Acullen: So, how good is she?

Ecullen: At what?

Acullen: …

Ecullen: Oh, I see. I can't tell you. Some one told me that Bella should tell you everything, not Bella's boyfriend.

Acullen: Rosalie wants to know if Bella used her shoes.

Ecullen: She most definitely did use Rosalie's… pleasure shoes.

Acullen: This convo is going nowhere. Bye!

…Acullen has left the room…

…Rhale has entered the room…

Ecullen: Rose, what's with the stupid questions?

Rhale: Idk. I'm a bit flustered.

Ecullen: Cybersex?

Rhale: Cybersex. Esme is so mad and embarrassed. It is sooo awkward.

Ecullen: I can still pick up on her thoughts. Want to know what she is thinking?

Rhale: Do tell.

Ecullen: Okay, she isn't surprised by you're behavior since things like this have happened in the past… but she thinks that you would have better judgment.

Rhale: Duh! I figured that out on my own!

Ecullen: Esme and Carlisle do the Cybersex thing too, you know. Just catch them in the act.

Rhale: Brilliant! When will they be doing that?

Ecullen: Tonight at 7:30.

Rhale: As much as I hate you, your powers amaze me. You can hear our mother's thoughts from all the way across the country!

Ecullen: I do rock. Enough to rock your socks?

Rhale: No. I still hate you a bit. Do you know when Emmett will be back?

Ecullen: Sorry, sis. Ask Alice. I'm no fortune teller.

Rhale: Ok, c ya!

**A/N: I hope you guys liked it. It was kind of weak though, I ran out of ideas. The next chapter will be a Jasper and Emmett chat!! Will be up in a couple hours, maybe more or less!**


	5. Brotherly Secrets spoken to the public

A/N: Thanks for the reviews

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!! I hope you like this long awaited Jasper/Emmett chat! PS: When writing this, I realized that I called Rosalie 'Rcullen' instead of 'Rhale' sorry about that, I will fix it in the chapters soon!

Emcullen: Jasperkinz!! How r u?

Jhale: Fine, Emmettkinz.

Emcullen: Erm…

Jhale: What is it?

Emcullen: Well, it is kind of awkward. What do you think it means when your wife asks you your bra size?

Jhale: God, I can't believe my sister!

Emcullen: So, what does it mean??

Jhale: Well, I'm no expert, but I think she's going to start making you wear bras. That is like how Alice asks me if I prefer extra absorbent when she buys tampons. You know, how she shoves them up my butt?

Emcullen: I'm scared not. Will you hold me?

Jhale: NO!!

Emcullen: Haha! Guess what?

Jhale: What?

Emcullen: Jhale sounds like JAIL!! Hahahaha!

Jhale: Honesty, do you have a mind of a dog?

Emcullen: That's even funnier!! A dog! Get it?

Jhale: Unfortunately, yes. Where are you anyway?

Emcullen: I'm on a bus back to Washington. Evil Eddie. I'm borrowing a laptop from that creepy hobo who burned Edward and Bella's clothes. He says he wasn't sorry about that incident. He caught it on camera and posted it on YouTube.

Jhale: YouTube? I need to check it out! What is it called?

Emcullen: Young Lovers walking down NYC in bathrobes.

Jhale: OMG!! That is sooo funny! Bella is bright red, and Edward has that nervous look that he gets when we catch him doing things in the shower!!

Emcullen: Gawd, Jazzie, you had to get that burning image back in my head!! I did not need to see my brother having his private pleasure moments!!

Jhale: Oh, yeah. Rosalie wants me to tell you that she bought a new set of panties. Sheesh, only a girl would care about that.

Emcullen: Oh. Ehm. Gee. Describe!!

Jhale: Honestly, I don't know why I do this. They are satin red leopard print with a little bow on the butt.

Emcullen: Maybe I should rent a car. That would be a faster to get to the panties!! I mean… Rosalie.

Jhale: My poor self. Who else gets to see my brothers naked, talk about my sister's under garments, and tell my wife that I like extra absorbent?

Emcullen: WOW!! So you do like extra absorbent?

Jhale: Oops, did I say that out loud?

Emcullen: In fact you did, Jazziekins! I'm going to post it on my myspace page!!

Jhale: PLEASE!! I'm begging you, if you have a heart, you won't let everyone know about that!!

Emcullen: I must not have a heart then!!

Jhale: Everyone at school will know!!

Emcullen: Too late, bro.

Jhale: Fine, I'll just have to broadcast on live T.V. that your wife asked you your bra size. That will get more attention!

Emcullen: Gawd, why do we have 2 make life worse 4 each other?

Jhale: We are brothers!

Emcullen: Right. I have to go potty.

Jhale: I'm going to fill your emotion with waterfalls and drippyness!

Emcullen: No! I'm gunna piss my pants!! Urg, curse your evil emotion powers!!

Jhale: Have fun! Alice came home with a box, and I think it is something ultra absorbent!


	6. Esme is a bad liar

Hey guys

Hey guys! Thanks sooo much for the good reviews!! You are tooo kind! Okay, you've all been waiting for this: Carlisle and Esme's 'Chat'.

Ccullen: Esme baby, you are on!

Escullen: Car, I know! We never are alone like this.

Ccullen: Hardly, Edward has been listening to my thoughts, and I think he might be on to us. I'll just have to think about what I'm typing in Chinese.

Escullen: You are so smart, I love you!

Ccullen: Let's get to it then!

Escullen: _Starts the kiss tenderly and pulls closer to Car. _

Ccullen: _Gets in our bed friskily and pounces on Esme._

Escullen: _Removes Car's clothes hastily._

…Rhale has entered the room…

Ccullen: Crap! Rose is in!

Rhale: Hey guys. Sorry to barge in on your _cyber sex. _I just needed to ask you guys if you were discussing Bella's transformation, but you are clearly not. Explain yourself, Esme?

Escullen: Um, hey Rose…

Rhale: Any moment now.

Escullen: Car, you can leave.

Ccullen: Have, uh, fun.

…Ccullen has left the room…

Escullen: I'm sorry, Rosalie. It's hard to explain, but Carlisle keeps seducing me! I don't know what to do!

Rhale: How about you… STOP YELLING ME AND HAVE REAL SEX!!

Escullen: Um, I have to go.

Rhale: No you don't!

Escullen: Yes I do!

Rhale: Where?!

Escullen: To the grocery store. They are having a sale on canned fruits!

Rhale: We don't eat!

Escullen: Bella! I'm buying canned veggies for Bella.

Rhale: You said _fruits. _

Escullen: Fruits? Fruits, veggies, same diff. Gotta go, bye!

…Escullen has left the room…

…Ecullen has entered the room…

Ecullen: Wow, Rose. Esme was shaking, she was so nervous. You need to let people own more gently.

Rhale: Ed, she didn't let me down first.

Ecullen: Being the better person? What ever happened to that virtue? You are honestly so shallow sometimes.

Rhale: My Emmett will understand. Who cares about virtue-whaty-whats?

Ecullen: Virtues. Anyways, Emmett will only understand your tight blue tank top and red leather mini skirt. And I guess you'll pair it with the brown suede stilettos Alice gave you for Christmas.

Rhale: No, I won't!! Besides, it will be my white kind of see through cami, and the silver pants that show my butt.

Ecullen: I don't think so! You are ridiculous. Those two pieces will NEVER go together!!

Rhale: C'mon, bro. Be reasonable. I'm considering wearing the cami with a bra.

Ecullen: You might go braless?? You might as well go naked!!

Rhale: Fine, which bra should I choose? Red, Blue, Sparkly, Polka dot, or leopard print.

Ecullen: I say blue; it's the subtlest. God, what am I saying??

Rhale: Maybe I should've just asked Alice.

Ecullen: You've got that right.

Rhale: I'm changing the subject. Bella said that you shoved a tampon up your ass and had a freaky reaction.

Ecullen: She told you??

Rhale: Well, she told Alice and Alice told me. So, explain??

Ecullen: Fine! So I'm in Bella's room, and she says she needs a human moment. She came back with a box of tampons.

Rhale: OMG, you freaked, right?

Ecullen: No. I asked her what she was doing with them, because it wasn't time for her cycle. I go crazy when that happens because she is _bleeding! _

Rhale: Ah, I'm glad I'm not human anymore.

Ecullen: Yeah, she got all embarrassed when I asked her and she said that Alice gave her this wild idea, and thought I should try it.

Rhale: So, did you let her?

Ecullen: Duh! It was rather sensual at first, but then Bella got eager and threw herself on top of me. The rest is history.

Rhale: Aw, man! You are sooo evil!

Ecullen: Yeah. Oh god. I saw Alice seeing me in Bella's room again with the box!!

Rhale: Go get her lover boy!

…Ecullen has left the room…

Rhale: Lover boy? U still there?

Rhale: Helloooo?? I guess lover boy was eager.


	7. Moving day!

Sooo sorry I haven't updated in so long

**Sooo sorry I haven't updated in so long! Hope you like the chappie. PS: I think some people don't know this, but 'macking' is a term for making out. **

Bswan: Alice?

Acullen: God, Bella, its midnight. You should be in bed.

Bswan: Yeah, but I was nervous, cuz the WHOLE Cullen clan was acting uncanny at lunch today. Care 2 explain?

Acullen: Ok, I'll spill. Edward wants to tell you, but I'd rather you hear it from your BFF than ur BF.

Bswan: Spill!!

Acullen: Fine. We are… moving, again.

Bswan: Alice!! HOW COULD YOU?? What about me??

Acullen: Bella-

Bswan: What about Edward, he was crazy when we were apart!!

Acullen: Bella-

Bswan: I hate you!!

Acullen: BELLA!! Listen up. We are taking you with us!

Bswan: You are kidnapping me? I'm flattered.

Acullen: Thanx. We are going to another state. It is undecided, but Esme and Carlisle thought it would be best. You might even get your wish granted from Edward!!

Bswan: Which wish?

Acullen: The changing, u turd. Did you honestly think I would talk about your fantasy wishes?

Bswan: Erm. Whatta bout Charlie?

Acullen: Well, Ur gunna sneak out.

Bswan: WHAT?! Grrrr I really hate you now!

Acullen: Bells, just tell Charlie you are going out for the night, and take ur suitcase.

Bswan: When are we leaving?

Acullen: Errrr… tomorrow night, 7:00 sharp. We get the day to tell everyone c'ya. Mainly Angela and Ben and peeps like that. I'm gunna miss em. Angela was so nice even tho we creeped her out.

Bswan: Yeah. Well, I guess I'll pack. C'ya at school.

…Bswan has left the room…

…Ecullen has entered the room…

Acullen: Oh, hey Ed.

Ecullen: WHY did u tell her??

Acullen: I'm sorry, she wanted to know!

Ecullen: Fine, you are on my bad list tho.

Acullen: K. Ya know what we should do at our next school?

Ecullen: What?

Acullen: Act like stuck up fashion models!

Ecullen: We are stuck up fashion models. Well… at least U, Rose, and Jazz are.

Acullen: And U and Emmett?

Ecullen: We are the men, babe.

Acullen: Did you just call me BABE? You are such a creepo.

Ecullen: Sorry. I want to act tougher, though.

Acullen: Why? You are cute as you are!

Ecullen: I want more people to STAY away.

Acullen: Sure, Whatevs. That's what you said last time. Then, you met a girl, and started macking. What more can I want? Lets see, I wanna be more stylish.

Ecullen: Like that's possible. How?

Acullen: Well, walk more fashion-modely like Rose, instead of my pixie-ish self now. Maybe I'll grow out my hair and get a kewl layer cut.

Ecullen: That would look good, but u should stay Ed's little pixie.

Acullen: I thought Bella was Ed's little cutie?

Ecullen: Yeah. But ur my pixie. And my sis.

Acullen: Whatevs. Rosalie's gunna freak. She is still mad at Esme and Carlisle for cyber sexing, and they haven't quite told her that Bella is coming with us. She almost threw a party that Bella wasn't coming!

Ecullen: I sense the problem. I'll talk to her. Bella's my girlfriend.

Acullen: Good boy.

Ecullen: Sis, Bella is calling me probably to ask if it's true, what should I say?

Acullen: I'm kidnapping you. Be flattered.

Ecullen: Yeah, like I'd say that!

Acullen: When I told her, she said she was flattered.

Ecullen: And right now I'm just plain giddy! Do you sense the sarcasm?

Acullen: No, I don't.

Ecullen: I don't like you anymore, so I'm leaving!

Acullen: Fine!

Ecullen: Fine!

…Ecullen has left the room…

Acullen: It's hard to believe that I couldn't see, that you were always right beside me. I'm all alone, with no one to hold- oh wait, except for JAZZIKINS!!


	8. Clive and open sex

Ello, people who are crazy

Ello, people who are crazy! Thanks for the reviews, and sorry I'm not updating as soon as I should! Also, I had a question sort of about what Charlie thought of it, and that will be explained.

Emcullen: Bella, where are you?? We have been looking for you everywhere!

Bswan: Emmett?! Hi! Sorry, I've been taking sooo long.

Emcullen: Are you at the airport?

Bswan: Yeah, I'm at the AI Airport.

Emcullen: Erm, the _Aihpledalihp _airport?

Bswan: Duh, what other place was I talking about?

Emcullen: Well, I think I read it upside down when I was giving you directions. I didn't know there was an Aihpledalihp airport. I meant the Philadelphia Airport.

Bswan: Emmett, you boob!

Emcullen: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I tend to mess up some times.

Bswan: Of course.

Emcullen: It's pretty much not even my fault. If _Edward _had told you we were moving to Philadelphia, you wouldn't have ended up in the wrong place.

Bswan: So now it is Edward's fault?? He can't help but surprise me. He likes to do that.

Emcullen: But he is the boob. No, he is the nipple.

Bswan: You know, you are talking to a girl. You shouldn't say stuff like that.

Emcullen: Oh, sure. Like I'm going to believe you are girl!

Bswan: Erg. I have to go buy a plane ticket.

Later…

Bswan: Sorry I didn't make it.

Ecullen: It's ok. We tried.

Bswan: Yeah, I guess. Some dude next to me let me use his laptop. I swear, he is a vampire.

Ecullen: Ask him then.

Bswan: No! I am having a bad stage in life called 'Whenever you ask someone anything, you get yelled at.'

Ecullen: Why, exactly?

Bswan: Charlie is why. I called him because I thought he would get worried, and he was all like 'Where have you been?' I told him everything.

Ecullen: Bella!! Why??

Bswan: I didn't realize you would get so upset.

Ecullen: Because you told him what we are?

Bswan: No, dumb person I love. I told him about moving. I said how technically I was going to move out anyways, and why not with you.

Ecullen: Phew.

Bswan: Not Phew! Charlie got so mad, he made me cry, while yelling in a quiet airport!! People stared and this ugly old man asked me if I wanted a hug.

Ecullen: Ew, not ugly old men!

Bswan: Shut up, you are an old man. At least you are not ugly!

Ecullen: Sure. So, describe this vampire you are sitting next to.

Bswan: Well, he is blonde, about Carlisle's age, has a beard (poor guy, he didn't get a chance to shave before he was changed!) and is wearing clothes like you would wear. Oh yeah, he is made of marble.

Ecullen: Are you attracted?

Bswan: Hell, no! I couldn't imagine kissing a beard guy. I like your stubble.

Ecullen: Erm, thanks?

Bswan: Oops, now he is reading over my shoulder!!

Ecullen: Ask him then.

Bswan: He said his name is Daffodil.

Ecullen: Are u serious? Daffodil? That's a gay man name!

Bswan: No, just kidding. His name is Clive and he Infact is a vampire.

Ecullen: How old is he?

Bswan: he said 216.

Ecullen: That's good. Ask him if you smell good and if he is hungry..

Bswan: No way!

Ecullen: …

Bswan: Fine.

Ecullen: And?

Bswan: He said that I only smell a bit good and that he isn't hungry. And he said for you not to worry, because he can resist blood, sort of like Carlisle.

Ecullen: Ok. So, guess what Rose and Emmett did about an hour ago?

Bswan: Made love?

Ecullen: Correct. We've been in our new house for about half a day, and they have already used the bed! Then, they got over excited (That's what Jasper said) and rolled off the bed. Then, they rolled down the stairs, naked, and continued with myself, Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle right there!

Bswan: Poor Jasper. I can't believe those two. We've seen them naked a lot and they don't seem to care!

Ecullen: Yeah. The fact that Rose is like my sister, just creeps me out. Esme then ordered them to get clothes and for Emmett to see Carlisle and Rose to see her.

Bswan: They must have been pretty mad, huh.

Ecullen: Yep. Especially when Rose came down in lingerie and Emmett came down in his boxers only. They are so clueless.

Bswan: Wow. Now that I'm going to live with you, I get to experience that.

Ecullen: The humiliating sex??

Bswan: No, silly. Rose and Emmett's humiliating sex.

Ecullen: Yep.

Bswan: Erg, Clive wants his laptop back. Remind me to buy my own.

Ecullen: I'll buy it for you.

Bswan: No you won't. C ya before Clive bites me for his computer back.


	9. What I no longer remember

Hello fans and critics of mine

Hello fans and critics of mine! Thanx for the great reviews. When I started this, I thought I was totally non-comedic, but I guess I am! This is a really short chapter, sorry!

Emcullen: Baby!! Where r you?

Rhale: Em? Hey, sorry to worry u. I rarely get embarrassed, but what our whole family saw… the bed… the stairs… the shock…

Emcullen: Hmmm.

Rhale: I'm at the café again.

Emcullen: U mean, Esme-catching-you-in-the-computer-act café?

Rhale: Bullseye. The employees are looking at me weird from last time. Grrr.

Emcullen: Hehe. Yeah, what happened with us when we rolled down the stairs? I think I hit my head to hard or something, cuz I don't remember much.

Rhale: Your lucky. Well, it started out like every other night. You got really into it, and kicked the bedpost really hard. Then the screw pretty much shattered, and the bed fell apart.

Emcullen: Really?

Rhale: Lemme finish. So then, we fell off, but were to out of it to know, and rolled on the floor. You rammed through the door, leaving a hole, and we just rolled down the stairs. You hit your head on a lot of the stair railings. R you ok, sweetie?

Emcullen: Sure. All I remember is that Carlisle took me into his office and went blah blah responsibility blah blah Jasper's feelings blah blah blah Rose's feelings blah blah humility.

Rhale: Whatevs, babe.

Emcullen: Ooh. My other line is beeping. It's Jasperkins!


	10. Jasper tells it like it is!

Hello

**Hello! I am terribly sorry I haven't posted a new chapter in like a month! Now that it is summer, I'll be cooking!**

--

Jhale: I hate you!

Emcullen: Thanks? Why?

Jhale: U are so clueless. Edward was right. I should have moved out!

Emcullen: How does this have to do with me?

Jhale: Not just u, Rose too. Your incidents keep happening more often! And do you know what MY special vamp power is??

Emcullen: The ability to stay a virgin?

Jhale: NOT funny! In fact I am not! Anyways, I can feel others emotions. I could feel what you and Rose were feeling. I wanted to get at it with you two!

Emcullen: So what stopped u? And u are 2 a virgin!

Jhale: I didn't want to be embarrassed. But I was. I had to tell Edward to get me outta there or I would have exploded. Carlisle and Esme were busy with you and Rosalie, Alice had left to go shopping to get your image out of her head AGAIN, and Bella is on a plane thousands of feet up in the sky!

Emcullen: Hm. When did u become non virgin?

Jhale: Grrr! Do you listen to anything I say? And to clear everything up, that happened on Mine and Alice's first wedding night!

Emcullen: I'll have to ask Alice myself.

…Emcullen has left the room…

…Acullen has entered the room…

Jhale: Baby, thank god ur on!

Acullen: Glad 2 see you too. What's up?

Jhale: Emmett. He is so arrogant!

Acullen: Duh. I don't even bother with him anymore. I see what dumb things he does in advance, and ignore it when it happens.

Jhale: He thinks I'm a virgin!

Acullen: Haha. U are_ not_ a virgin. If only he knew.

Jhale: He's gunna ask you.

Acullen: Great. Maybe I should tell him that you grab me whenever he is doing it?

Jhale: Please no! That's almost as embarrassing as the butt tampons!

Acullen: Everyone knows about that, u know!

Jhale: That sucks! How could you?

Acullen: Not me. Once again it leads back to Emmett. He was spying on us. Then, he took a picture and put it on the internet. I paid him 50,000 to blur my face, so it's just a picture of u and a blur. It's funny that Emmett didn't realize it was his 50 grand I paid him. I took his wallet.

Jhale: My rep is gone!

Acullen: You had no rep, babe.

LATER ON

Rhale: Hey babe, someone emailed me. 'What's your favorite kind of Mac and cheese?' What's ur favorite Mac n cheese, hon?

Emcullen: Your milky creamy Mac n cheese! Urs?

Rhale: I dunno. Dino?

Emcullen: What the hell?

**I hope you enjoyed that! By the way, the Mac and cheese deal is based off of Nikki and Kellan's MTV interview.**


	11. Pianos, Windows, and Pantie hoes

Hey all u crazy Twilight fan-pires (I love that MTV thing with Nikki)

Hey all u crazy Twilight fan-pires (I love that MTV thing with Nikki). Anyways, I know that Bella has been on the airplane for the longest time, but She will be off by the end of this chapter, It's just hard to have an IM convo with someone you live with!

Acullen: Bella! Where r u?

Bswan: Alice, take a chill pill. My plane was experiencing awful turbulence. They had to land the plane in Ohio. Gosh.

Acullen: This SUCKS! I am left to babysit the boys while Carlisle and Esme are out at a welcome neighbor party. They say we weren't invited. They also think Rose is helping, but she is off shopping, so she gets all the good credit while I work my ass off playing mommy.

Bswan: Oh, I am super sorry. I will be there soon. What are the boys up to? It couldn't be that bad…

Acullen: Ha! I'd like to believe that for a minute. Jasper and Emmett thought it would be a good idea to bungee jump from the top of the stairs using MY panty hoes. They are sooo clueless. The worst part is that they landed on Edward's piano, smashing it into a billion little pieces.

Bswan: OMG! Now he has nothing to play my lullaby on!

Acullen: Bells, look at the bigger picture. Sheesh. Then, Rosalie called me. She asked me if I wanted anything from the mall. I said I wanted some new panty hoes compliments to our husbands. U know what she said?

Bswan: No. _Sigh._ what?

Acullen: She said "Oh gosh. U and Jasper lost control having sex again? U know, Its not good wearing anything, even as light as panty hoes while your doing it." I chucked my phone at the wall. I know money isn't a problem for us, but still. The recklessness needs to stop!

Bswan: I'll make sure that happens when I get there. So, anything else exciting happen?

Acullen: Um, yes. Please still come to live with us, you'll be mad.

Bswan: No I wont.

Acullen: I'm going to make u and Rosalie be friends while you're with us.

Bswan: Alice!! U meanie!

Acullen: Sorry Bella, but it's for the greater good. You get along just fine with the rest of us. She even asked if I would help break the ice. Who knew the girl had it in her. I thought it was all just dirty stuff 24/7.

Bswan: Grrr.

Acullen: Oh, sorry Bella! I have to go. I just heard something shatter!

…Acullen has left the room…

LATER

Bswan: Edward, I heard that you guys are getting into a lot of trouble.

Ecullen: No way. Its Jasper and Emmett. I am so pissed about my piano. I was attached to it. Like it was my son.

Bswan: Oh gawd, Edward. Stop overreacting.

Ecullen: I'm on Alice's side too. You know what happened? Emmett was thinking nasty and dirty thoughts and his emotions were wild. Jasper was in my room looking out the window, and he got all spazzed because of it. He got so out of control that he crashed through my window. Which so happens to be my whole wall!

Bswan: So that's what the big crash was. I think Alice is going to be in big trouble.

Ecullen: And maybe Emmett will finally go to jail for being so cruel.

Bswan: Yeah, he beats on u guys too much. When I get their, I will take charge.

Ecullen: Mhm. A houseful of menacing vampires. You can handle them all. Are you on that Clive wierdo's laptop again?

Bswan: yes… he's not that bad. Oh well.

Ecullen: Oh no. Carlisle and Esme are home. I can hear ever bad word imaginable.

Bswan: In their thoughs?

Ecullen: No, out loud!


	12. Nonvirginity can really suck sometimes!

Hello

**Hello! Thanx 4 such great reviews! Ok, so here is the setting 4 this chapter: Bella is talking to Alice from a local hotel because her and Edward had some 'fun' if u know what I mean. The two wanted to have privacy from overhearing vampires. Alice is at home.**

Acullen: Bella! Where r u??

Bswan: Alice, you of all people should know where I am.

Acullen: Well, ur at a hotel, but why??

Bswan: It's kind of embarrassing.

Acullen: C'mon. we are like sisters.

Bswan: Me and Edward finally… did it.

Acullen: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

Bswan: Yep. Im not innocent Bella anymore!

Acullen: We need 2 celebrate!!

Bswan: Nooo! That would be more embarrassing than telling you!

Acullen: Please Bella? It would just be the Cullens and Hales. Can't I have any fun??

Bswan: No, that would b awful! No would feel comfortable. Besides, what would we do? Pin the penis on the vagina, and hand out condoms as party favors?

Acullen: GREAT IDEAZ! Besides the rest of us aren't virgins, so we'd all relate!

Bswan: Alice, wait! I was just kidding!

…Acullen has left the room…

Bswan: Alice?? Alice!!

…Emcullen has entered the room…

Bswan: Hey Emmett.

Emcullen: Hey Bella-y full of jelly!

Bswan: Emmett, are u saying im FAT?

Emcullen: Urm, no. LOL, Alice told me your ideas!

Bswan: Great, now the whole world knows I'm not innocent.

Emcullen: Huh? Hahahaha. Bella got laid! Bella got laid!

Bswan: Shut it! U didn't know? What were you talking about then?

Emcullen: About you changing to a pushup bra to impress Mr. Eddiekins.

Bswan: Grrrr. I'm going to kill that girl!

Emcullen: Yeah, I'd like to see u try!

Bswan: Well, I don't care what you think.

Emcullen: Well lets talk have a brother-to-sister-in-law chat about your non-virgininty!

Bswan: Ug!

Emcullen: Who was it with? Did u moan and groan? Did you cum all over the bed?

Bswan: Sheesh. The first, Edward, duh! The other 2 are between me and Edward.

Emcullen: Oooh! I'm off 2 tell Jasperkins!

Bswan: Emmett, no!

…Emcullen has left the room…

Bswan: Once again abandoned. Non-virginity can really suck sometimes.


	13. Emmett the neutered dog

Hey

Hey! Sorry I haven't updated in very long. I don't have much of an excuse either. Anyways, I couldn't sleep last night and thought of an idea. I hope it's funny. Also, when they have the chat room conference, the reason why they don't just talk face to face, is cuz its more fun!

Acullen: Esme. Thank god ur online! Major crisis here at the Cullen castle!

Escullen: Oh god… what did the boys do this time?

Acullen: It's just Emmett. Maybe… I shouldn't tell you. It would be better off.

Escullen: Oh no. Alice, c'mon. You can tell me anything. Besides, after last time I left you in charge, things got crazy.

Acullen: Fine. Emmett has turned into a horny puppy. He's dry humping everything in sight!

Escullen: Holy crap! That happened to Carlisle a while back… oh wait. I wasn't supposed to tell you that.

Acullen: You've got that right! Burning images!

Escullen: Anyway, we need to have a meeting since Carlisle and I are back in Forks.

Acullen: Yeah, you guys are idiots. Trying to explain to Charlie why Bella ran off with us all the way across the country.

Escullen: Never mind that. Get everyone except Emmett on their computers.

…Escullen, Ccullen, Acullen, Ecullen, Rhale, Bswan, and Jhale have entered CULLEN CONFERENCE…

Rhale: Thank god Alice told Esme. Things are getting bad.

Ccullen: Ok, Rose. Give me the details so I can diagnose something for that boy.

Rhale: Well, it started last night, when we were getting into it.

Jhale: We know. Everyone could hear you!

Rhale: Shut up Jasper! Anyways, I was like any night we have. Then BAM! He had this weird muscle jerk spasm thingy and was on the ground shaking.

Ecullen: That was the earthquake we heard?

Rhale: Shut up Edward! Ok, so then he got up, and started doing me really hard. It hurt, and he couldn't stop even though he wanted to. Once I got him in control, he ran down stairs.

Acullen: And started humping ME!

Jhale: I'm going to kill him! No one humps my girl except me!

Ccullen: Awkward…

Bswan: Then he asked if I'd dance nude for him…

Rhale: That's pretty much it. He just kept doing that to anything.

Escullen: As Alice said, he was like a horny puppy.

Ccullen: Hmmm. Hey, that gave me a brilliant idea!

Escullen: What is it, Car?

Ccullen: We are going to fix Emmett!

Rhale: Your going to cut off his balls?!

Acullen: Haha. He's going to want to keep 'em in a jar on your nightstand. LOL.

Rhale: Shut up, Alice!

Ecullen: That is going to be hard. We can't tell Emmett. He'd freak out and run back to Canada!

Ccullen: Kids, where is Emmett now?

Jhale: Locked in a bullet proof safe.

Acullen: Bella's keeping guard right now. Not that she'd have the strength to put him back.

Ccullen: Well, we're coming back their ASAP. Get Emmett ready. Edward, I'll tell you how to set up via mind.

Rhale: Why again do we have to neuter my beautiful Emmett? He never did anything too bad…

I hope that was ok. I'm thinking of writing the next chapter in regular format so it makes sense. It would be hard for Carlisle to be doing surgery on Emmett while chatting online.


	14. It's not like they cut off his penis

Hello

Hello! Once again, thanks for the great reviews! I'm going to answer the questions that came up. Q: What is Emmett exactly diagnosed with?! A: HHD (Horny Humping Disorder) lol, I made that one up. Q: Can they really cut of his balls? And how will that help anything? A: I'm not sure, but they do it all the time to dogs! When they do it to dogs, they loose their need to hump everything! Anyways, this next chapter will begin like normal story text, but end off in IM.

EPOV

I looked at Bella with pleading eyes. "You really don't want to be in the house when we do this!" she was stubborn. Of course, she didn't want to leave me, even if it meant staying by my side while I helped Carlisle cut off Emmett's balls. "Edward, I just want to be near you. I'll stay in Alice's room with her or something while it happens." I sighed in defeat. Almost on queue, Alice was at the in the frame of the door. "Knock, knock. Time to remove the two things that make Rosalie's world go round. Or should I say up and down, up and down." I laughed. Why did she have to be laughing at a time like this? "Alice, are you going to stay up here with me?" Bella asked hopefully. _Edward! Why do you always make promises to Bella that I won't do?? _I laughed again. "It seems that Alice wants to watch the procedure. I think you're alone," I chortled. When Bella finally agreed to stay upstairs, Alice dragged me down to the operation room- the kitchen. Carlisle and Esme we're there ready to work. Esme had a worried look on her face, while Rose was pacing back and forth, dry sobbing louder than necessary. On the kitchen table was Emmett on his stomach, sedated and had a sheet over his naked lower half. "Edward, we better do the surgery now" Carlisle said. I had seen my brother naked numerous times, but I just didn't seem too comfortable…

APOV

Me and Jasper walked into the kitchen right on time. Carlisle insisted that Edward did the surgery as good practice. Then Edward asked if by practice, he meant cutting off Jasper's testicles. I punched his arm in horror. Finally, with an expression that crossed between discust and freaked out, he started the procedure. When he lifted the first ball in his hands, there was a loud noise. Edward was wide eyed, and me and Jasper stifled giggles, but I failed. Emmett had farted. Big time. Esme and Carlisle's faces were red trying to hold the laughter in. Then it all sunk in. Emmett had awoken, and he was very confused. He saw Edward with the knife, his naked body, and everyone around him shocked. "What's going on?" he asked confused. "Emmett honey, urm… uh. Edward, do you want to explain?" Rosalie stammered. "Thanks Rose! Well, urm, you were sleeping. Then this huge bug bid your… items. They were going to get infected and you would die if we didn't remove the venom." Only Emmett would be stupid enough to believe that. Vampires can't sleep, and, we didn't die from disease! How ridiculous. But Carlisle and Edward put Emmett under instantly. The event was finally over, and Emmett's balls were happily placed in a jar full of water.

Bswan: Alice, what happened??

Acullen: We cut off Emmetts balls. What do you think we did?

Bswan: I heard a loud noise, and then the house shook.

Acullen: Oh, Emmett farted while Edward was holding his testicles. Then he woke up and Edward tricked him to get him to go back to sleep.

Bswan: Lol. Funny. I guess I'm glad I wasn't there.

Acullen: You got that right. Now we are just waiting for Emmett to notice.

Bswan: Gosh, he's so clueless!

Acullen: Yup. We made this joke where we rub Emmett's jar of balls for good luck.

Bswan: Hmmm.

Acullen: Rose is in hysterics right now.

Bswan: I'm surprised. It's not like they cut off his penis.

Acullen: Yeah, I'd be greatful that we didn't do more to him if I was Rose.


	15. Hotdogs, scrabble, and sex 3times a day

Hi

Hi! Wow, Vampire IM is well over 10,000 views!! Thanks so much for reading, laughing, and reviewing! Ok, so this chapter came to me when I was eating a hotdog for dinner- and I may never eat a hotdog again!

Acullen: Bella!!

Bswan: What?

Acullen: Hi. So, what did u do tonight?

Bswan: Me and Edward went shopping, and then came back home for dinner.

Acullen: You sound happy about shopping. Why?!

Bswan: Don't be sad Alice. It was lingerie shopping.

Acullen: Ohhh… so, what did you have for dinner?

Bswan: Hotdogs, Mashed potatoes, soup, and lemonade.

Acullen: Ug. You eat the weirdest combos, Bella Swan. Even if u are human!

Bswan: Grrrr. Its not my fault that I like food…

Acullen: Wait… where did you get those hotdogs?

Bswan: The first drawer in the fridge. Why?

Acullen: Urm… nothing…

Bswan: ALICE! Tell me!

Acullen: Okay. Rosalie refuses to have sex with Emmett because he has no balls, so she was fucking those hotdogs if front of him to make him jealous.

Bswan: Ahhh! Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!

Acullen: Sorry!

Bswan: So, what did you do today?

Acullen: pass

Bswan: C'mon Alice! I told you what I did today!

Acullen: It's not too exciting. Me and Jasper just went to the forest and made love all day.

Bswan: Wow, your lucky. I only got it once out of Edward and I've known him for like 3 years! In that time you and Jas have done it like way too many times to count!

Acullen: 2,458… to be exact.

Bswan: Omg, u slut! That like almost 3 times a day!

Acullen: Geez. We have unlimited time on our hands… what else are two teenage vampires supposed to do? Play scrabble? I don't think so…

Bswan: Hmph. Me and Edward play scrabble all the time.

Acullen: And have you ever won?

Bswan: …

Acullen: My point exactly.

Bswan: Alice, your stressing me out. Goodbye.

Acullen: Wait! We need to talk about your party plans!!

…Bswan has left the room- angrily…

Acullen: Bella??


	16. You can't ignore a party

Holy cap, u guys

Holy cap, u guys. Sorry I didn't update. I sort of forgot. I didn't die. And sorry for all you who have been scarred for life about Rosalie's hot dog incident. I warned you! :P I hope this is an ok chapter, and I'll try to make it extra long this time. PS- I hope you guys loved breaking dawn like I did (well I've read it 5 time now.) But I'll make sure and tell you if there are any spoilers in advance just in case. In this one, the only spoiler is how Bella and Rosalie are closer, which isn't really a spoiler.

Bswan: ROSALIE!!

Rhale: what? Sheesh. Someone is a bit angry this morning.

Bswan: I wonder why. Maybe you should ask the _hot dogs. _

Rhale: Who, you mean Jacob? He is not a hot dog. He. Got. Food. In. My. Hair. !!

Bswan: You can be such an idiot. I'm talking about the food hot dogs. You know, the ones you had a pleasurable time with.

Rhale: I still don't get it.

Bswan: Grr. I think I have to spell it out for you. You don't have sex with hot dogs, then put them back in the fridge, then let me eat them. You don't even have sex with hot dogs period!

Rhale: Oh. I see. LOL. Has Alice told you anything about your party yet?

Bswan: No. She just ran off. Do you know anything?

Rhale: Why don't you ask Emmett. He's on the party planning committee. He knows best for a party like this.

Bswan: Maybe I will.

…Rhale has left the room…

…Emcullen has entered the room…

Emcullen: Hey Bella-hump-arella. I mean Bella-hump-edward.

Bswan: Will you stop that, retard!

Emcullen: No. I think Bella-humps-umbrella sounds kind of cool too.

Bswan: Shut up! Just tell me what your doing for my sex party.

Emcullen: But I'm a retard.

Bswan: I'll give you a quarter if you tell me.

Emcullen: Deal!

Bswan: My point exactly.

Emcullen: Ok, so my ideas were to sort of have a book club type thingy. First, you talk about your favorite positions, then how many times you've done it, then describe your best sex, describe your worst sex, and then bring your sex toys and pass them around.

Bswan: Ohmygod. I need to stop this insanity! I wouldn't touch your sex toys even for a million bucks! Do you know how embarrassed Carlisle and Esme would be? They are practically our parents!

Emcullen: So? They thought it was a good idea.

Bswan: Until they hear the 'Activities' you have planned!

Emcullen: whatever. I guess you havn't been around long enough to know how active Carlisle and Esme are. They do it more than Jasperkins and Alice x2!

Bswan: How much sex can you really have?

Emcullen: I don't know. Me and Rose do it like 10 times a day.

Bswan: And yet you have time to sit here and chat with me…

Emcullen: Just think about it geographically. There are 17 hours in the day. If each time is 1 hour, that makes like 10 hours, leaving 5 hours. Then, if we hunt for another hours, that's 4. Then we have the last 4 hours to talk and have breaks and stuff.

Bswan: You lost me at geographically. But based off of your calculations, I see that you do have plenty of time.

Emcullen: Shweet. I'm awesome.

Bswan: Oh yeah, does Edward know about this?

Emcullen: About my sex life or my geo skills?

Bswan: About the party. And its not geography Emmett, it's called math.

Emcullen: He doesn't know about the party… yet.

Bswan: Why?

Emcullen: It's a surprise party!

Bswan: But I already know about it.

Emcullen: Oh… I didn't think that through.

Bswan: Of course you didn't…

…Bswan has left the room…

Emcullen: What is that supposed to mean?? Bella?? Yoo-hoo??


End file.
